Dad's turn to update

Well since I had bought the camera and video recorder for Kelsey, I figured I can post pictures and videos on the blog if I want.  It's only fair right?

Big news this morning as Ethan just spent his first night in his own crib!  A whole room away from the parents!  Yikes!  He did very well i'm told, as he went down around 11, and woke up at 3:30am and around 7am.  Mom got a fair amount of sleep and Dad didn't even know what went on last night.  The video monitor works wonders and we are so happy that Ethan loves his crib.  It was a little hard to put him in the crib because it just goes to show how big he is getting.  Reviewing the videos its surprising just how little he looks in them.  He's so much bigger now and he's outgrowing cloths after wearing them only once.  I think we've got a very healthy boy on our hands.

Christmas time is here, and Mom and Dad couldn't be happier.  Dad is enjoying every bit of the Christmas season, including the mountain of snow, and Mom is loving snuggling with Ethan by the tree.  Kona seems to be indifferent, but has really turned a corner in behaving as a dog.  She simply loves that we're around all the time and in one spot so she can camp out, get a few pets and enjoy the nice warm house.

Soon it will be time for a change in the household as Mom returns to work.  Even that isn't set yet with a possible interview, but we're hoping it goes as smoothly as possible.  Today Dad has to finish Christmas shopping, which I am a few days ahead of schedule in my book, but weeks behind Mom.. (it will never change) and we get to have dinner at Bubba and Pappa's house.  We're looking forward to Christmas and seeing family again, and having our first Christmas as a family.

Until then, here are some highlights from Ethan's growing up:

Ethan doing his smiles.  We have yet to catch him on video truely smiling, but this gets it pretty close.

GO Bears GO!!

Me and my cousin Gwen!

Our first family Christmas tree.  Can you see me?  I'm the blue hooded head sticking out of my mommy's jacket!  It was cold that day!

Nice job Mom and Dad!

Merry Christmas everybody!

2 months

A 2 month post about my little man but first an update since my last post.  After the lactation appointment I made an appointment with the pediatrician a week later to check Ethan's weight.  The kid gained double what they expect as a minimum.  Supplementing with a bottle of breast milk is working.  He's gaining weight.  I'm also continuing to take the herbal supplement and it's working, I'm making more milk.  We've managed to supplement Ethan with breast milk, thus avoiding formula and he's gaining weight.  All the chaos and extra work is working, so I keep on keeping on with it.  We shall see what happens when he starts daycare and I go back to work, but for now it's working and I've even managed to start making enough milk that I can freeze a little here and there for the future.  I'm feeling better about the whole situation.  Tons better.

On to the 2 month post.  Ethan...you are now 2 months old.  You are getting be more fun and grown up looking every day.  You love to smile and show off your dimple (yes, you only have one right now but we are holding out that a 2nd might appear!).  You love talking and having people talk to you.  You are very social which I appreciate because you are so easy to take out with me.  You usually sleep while we are out or sit contently in your carseat and stroller.  You are a great baby.  Last week you took to waking up about every 2 hours, this killed me.  Daddy and I have been so spoiled by your great sleeping habits that last week was completely unknown to us.  I became a walking zombie with very little sleep.  Luckily you've switched that around already.  You are still sleeping in your bassinet in our room, but willing be transitioning to your crib in your room this week.  Also you are starting to have more of a routine and even getting a little better at falling to sleep quicker and more on your own.  As I type this you are sleeping in your bassinet taking a nap.  We are also going to start working more on you falling asleep by yourself without needing Mommy or Daddy rocking, bouncing and walking with you.
We spent your 2 month birthday up at Grandma and Grandpa's cabin.  It was your first trip to either cabin.  We were heading up for our annual Christmas tree cutting party with the Gould's and the Cannon's.  Daddy and I were so excited to share this experience with you because we both love Christmas and all of our traditions that go along with it.  Mother Nature had a different plan for us though.  We went to the cabin on Friday and knew that there was a big blizzard predicted.  We decided to go to the cabin anyway.  Friday night while I was up feeding you, we looked out on the lake and watched the snow fall.  It continued to fall all Saturday as well.  Being at the cabin was great, we had no where to go, we could stay cuddled up watching the snow fall and hang out with family.  We were supposed to cut our trees this day, but the tree farm closed due to all the snow.  Our neighbor Mark called to let Daddy know that we had 18 inches of snow and it was still falling.  Oakdale was the city with the 2nd highest snowfall, we ended up getting 20 inches of snow.
On your 2 month birthday Minnesota had it's 5th largest snowfall of all time.  Despite the weather trying to wreck our Christmas tree weekend we continued with our plans.  Saturday we went to the Gould's cabin and had dinner, played games and you got to meet Dylan Cannon who is just 4 months older than you.  We had a great time.  Sunday it was bitterly cold but Daddy was set on continuing with the tradition of cutting down our Christmas Tree at Wagon Landing Tree Farm.  We all set out in search of trees, I stayed in the car with you while Daddy and Kona went searching for the perfect Christmas tree for 2010.  It was a big deal because it's your first Christmas tree.  Once Daddy found the perfect tree, I bundled you up in your snowsuit and zipped you up in my coat.  We headed out to check out the tree and get a family photo in front of it.  While Daddy was coming to get us, Grandpa tried to steal our tree, but gave it up once he knew we had already claimed it!  It was a great tree and Daddy did a great job finding it!  You love the Christmas tree...you watched Daddy put the lights on it and then watched as we trimmed the tree with ornaments.  You love to sit in the dark and look at the lights.
You are getting so grown up, your smiles light up a room and make mommy's heart melt.  You are also into playing with toys and starting to figure out that you can use your hands and arms to reach things.  While Daddy was out of town for work this week we spent the night at Grandma and Grandpa's and you figured out how to play with the toy bar Grandma bought you.  It is so fun to watch you grow older and start to figure out the world around you.  Mommy is starting to get sad because I only have 2.5 weeks of maternity leave left and I'm dreading going back to work.  The more you start to interact and figure things out, the less and less I want to go back to work.  I don't want to miss out on any of these milestones you are starting to reach.  I had a phone interview yesterday for a job that is very close to home and only half time.  I should find out in a few days if I got an interview next week and I'm praying constantly that I get one.  I would love to have the opportunity to spend so much more time at home with you!

Little man, these past 2 months have been the best.  We are so lucky to have you!  We love you!  You are waking up from your nap so I will have to post pictures later.

Mothers Instinct

We just got back from the lactation consultant.  This is an appointment I've felt like I should have made awhile ago, but at the same time kept putting off because I didn't know it was necessary.  I think deep down I knew it was necessary, but was trying to take cues from Ethan and listen to what other people who love us had to say.  In the beginning I was exclusively pumping and feeding Ethan what I pumped, he was thriving on this and was pretty happy, but I started getting concerned he was going to start eating more than I was able to pump.  I was also feeling guilty that I wasn't breastfeeding him and we weren't getting that bonding time.  So I started doing a little of both, gradually I started breastfeeding more than I was feeding him out of the bottle.  I thought things were going pretty well, he adjusted nicely and was eating well from the breast.  I was also trying to continue pumping to increase my supply and build up a freezer supply for daycare.

 A few weeks ago I went to my friends Aleks' house...her son Kade is just a week older than Ethan.  Kade was way littler than Ethan when he was born, but the day I was there he looked huge compared to Ethan.  It was at this moment I thought maybe something was wrong or not going well, but I kind of blew it off.  A week later, I once again was at Aleks' house and saw Kade again, he was even bigger however Ethan still looked the same.  I also got to see Aleks feed Kade, he ate like a champ and seemed to be guzzling the milk down...something Ethan rarely does.  I also took the opportunity to use Aleks baby scale to weigh Ethan, he was 10 pounds, only about a pound heavier than he was the day he was born.  Last week this nagging feeling inside continued.  I called the lactation people to talk about Ethan's eating habits.  I also called the pediatrician for a weight check.  He was still 10 pounds and had grown an inch.  The pediatrician and I talked about what I was doing feeding wise and she seemed okay with everything, so told me she'd see me at his 2 month appointment.  I was still unsettled.  Something still didn't seem quite right.  Ethan seems content after feedings and when he obviously is still very hungry Kevin or I feed him breast milk from a bottle.  Today I finally called the lactation people again and set up an appointment because I continued having a nagging feeling every time I fed him.  I just had a feeling that it wasn't going as well as it should.  Today I was confirmed.  Ethan once again only weighed 10 pounds.  The lactation lady confirmed that he likes breast feeding and also that he is able to latch on well, the problem is my body isn't making enough milk.  When he feeds from me he only gets about 3 ounces.  OUCH.

A little disheartening to know that the hours I've put into breastfeeding and pumping for the past 6 weeks still aren't enough.  Luckily for both of us I listened to my gut and took action.  The lactation consultant and I came up with a plan.  I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the plan but if it enables me to start making enough milk to continue breast feeding the little man, I'll do whatever I need to.  If it doesn't help it looks like he might be headed for formula.  Not the worse thing in the world but definitely not what I wanted and makes me feel guilty and like I'm not doing a good enough job.  So the plan is to keep breastfeeding, continue pumping after breastfeeding, supplement with breast milk that I've pumped after feeding him and take some herbal supplements that are supposed to help boost my supply.  This is my last resort...I'm going to try it for 2 weeks or so, if we see a difference great, if not I'll concede and recognize my body just wasn't meant to breastfeed our little guy.  Really I just want to see him healthy, gaining weight and thriving.

Today though I'm overwhelmed with feelings...guilt for not doing something sooner when I had the feeling it wasn't enough, sad that I really want to breastfeed and just might not be able to, and worried that I've somehow made him worse for the wear in the past few weeks.  In reality...I know he's fine.  He's been getting enough to sustain and be happy.  The kid loves to talk and smile.  He's happy.  This is what has kept me from calling in the first place.  As the lactation consultant put it today, "The good thing is you have a happy baby, the hard thing is he doesn't really let you know when he's not getting enough."  Ummm...true that lady.  He's had me fooled, the cute smiles, the coos, the being content, you'd never know he hasn't been getting enough.  And maybe he has.  Maybe he won't want tons more after breastfeeding him.  It's a guessing game for everyone, which is what I keep telling myself to keep my guilt at bay.  So let the new plan begin and the craziness it will bring.  Let's also just hope it brings a somewhat chunkier baby and more milk from mom.  I guess I know what I'll be praying for the next few days.  And hopefully I'll have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving...more milk!

A month old

Ethan you are now a month old (and a few days!)  It's taken me awhile to get this post written, but I wanted to document the first month of life so I don't forget it!  You are still sticking to the schedule of going to bed around 11pm and sleeping anywhere from 3-5 hours.  Now that we are primarily breast feeding and not giving you many bottles you are sleeping closer to 3 hours in your first stretch of sleep and then waking up every two hours after that.  You still love to fight sleep but are getting a little better about giving in when you are tired.  You still love riding in the car and it immediately settles you down unless you are hungry and then you let Mommy know that it isn't okay to be riding in the car when you'd rather be eating.   Over the past month I've learned that your nursery is your happy place.  You love to lay in your crib and "talk" or lay on your changing table and talk.  You usually settle down immediately when we go into your room.  It makes me happy to know that you like your nursery so much!  You are also quite the snuggler...you love to be sleeping in someone's arms or be close to someone.  When you wake up in the morning you often are still tired, but will cry until we let you come into bed with us and then will quickly fall back to sleep.  You are still sleeping in the bassinet in our room and still sleeping propped up on your boppy pillow but I think the boppy is short lived.  You are such a squirmer that now when you sleep on your boppy you usually wind up squirming into the hole and getting upset.  It's amazing how much a month can change you and us as your parents.  We are more in love with you than ever!  Since I've been talking about posting pictures forever I figured now is as good as time as ever to do a month in review of pictures! Enjoy!

First picture, showing off your muscles.

Mommy getting to meet you for the first time!

Daddy holding his son!

First family photo.

Hanging out the evening of your birthday.

Getting ready to go home.

All buckled in to head home.

Family photo before leaving the hospital

Meeting Kona for the first time

Hanging out in your crib

Family walk the 2nd day home.

First bath.

Drying off with Daddy after your first bath, in your Tigger towel

Mom's attempt to get a good picture for Dad, instead caught the cross-eyes.

First Halloween in Auntie Katie's costume from 23 years ago.

Kung Fu Ethan

1 month birthday, getting so old!

Another shot of the 1 month old!

Getting bored with Mom taking pictures.

Getting so big!

And there you have it...a month in review!  Can't wait for the next months and to see what changes they bring!  We love you little man!

4 weeks old

Today Ethan is 4 weeks old...in some ways it has been the longest 4 weeks of my life and in others it is the fastest 4 weeks ever.  We are getting settled into life with a baby and I have to say that Kevin and I make a pretty good team.  Kevin's a great dad and always willing to help out in any way he can.  The past two weeks haven't brought much change, but things are constantly getting easier.  Ethan still usually sleeps for one 3-5 hour stretch and then wakes up for a bit and goes back to bed for another 2-3 hours.  The most recent development is to wake up around 6 and then go back to bed at 9am for a couple hour nap.  As I sit here typing this he is on his second nap of the day and it's only 12:15!

The biggest change of the past two weeks is probably breast feeding.  I think we are both finally starting to figure things out.  Ethan is doing better latching on and staying awake to feed and I'm feeling more comfortable with it as well.  It's nice to feel like things are starting to go how I thought they would.  Don't get me wrong...it is still the most difficult and frustrating thing I've ever done!  I worry he's not getting enough food, that I'm not producing enough and worry about how I'm going to fit in breast feeding and pumping when I go back to work.  Kevin once again has been amazing.  He's constantly reminding me to take it day by day and when I'm totally frustrated and overwhelmed he's there to give me a hug, reassure me and give me a break from Ethan if I need it.  Overall though I'm still feeling pretty good about how things are going.  I just have to remind myself that I went into this without expectations and need to remember that.  It's hard when I start feeling guilty for not doing the right thing or worrying about not making enough, but I continue to try and take it day by day.  Being a mom is hard, but definitely the most rewarding job.

Kevin and I also got a date night this weekend.  We went to see a movie and then grab a drink and some appetizers.  It was nice to get some time alone, but definitely weird.  It's almost like we didn't know what to talk to each other about.  The movie was great and it was nice to get out sans baby for awhile.  Next time I have to remember to bring my ID so I can have a drink with my hubby while on date night.  I guess that's what happens when the diaper bag also doubles as my purse these days.  Ethan is starting to wake up so I guess it's my cue that I'm done posting.  I'll try to get pictures up soon and write more about the things little man has learned in his first month of life!

2 Weeks

It's amazing how fast time goes and how much can change in just a few weeks.  Ethan today you are 2 weeks old, in some ways it feels like you've been part of our family forever and in others it seems like just yesterday we were welcoming you into the world.  Either way, our lives are completely different in just those short 2 weeks.  We are starting to establish some sort of a routine and as a mom I'm starting to feel like things are a little easier.  I've long let go of the house being clean, although I'm still trying to make sure it's at least picked up, and I spend my days making sure you're taken care of instead.  I'm starting to be able to have an idea for what's for dinner when Dad walks in the door, although making it is still presenting a challenge!  I'm working hard at reinserting some of the normalcy to our lives, dinner on the table, showers taken, the house picked up, and everyone taken care of...it doesn't always happen, but I'm trying. You and I though have definitely got some sort of a rhythm down for the day.  You are an awesome baby and I really can't complain!  You usually go to bed around 11 or 11:30pm, this is a little late for mom's liking, but I'm slowly adjusting.  Once you're asleep (and you usually fight going to sleep a little) you sleep for 4-5 hours!  I'm a lucky lady to get a solid stretch of sleep in.  Then you wake up and either breastfeed or take a bottle of breast milk and are up for about an hour and then go back to bed for 2 hours.  This morning you were pretty fussy from 4:30am to 6:30am when Daddy woke up for work, but you were never really awake.  You were grunting and whimpering, but stayed asleep, so Daddy and I tried to sleep through it as well.  You usually take a couple of good naps during the day, one in the morning and one in the afternoon.  By the time Daddy is home from work, you want to stay awake and hang out with him!  As for sleeping you're still hanging out in your boppy and either sleeping next to Mommy on the couch during the day, or in the bassinet in Mommy and Daddy's room at night.  Soon I think we'll start trying to wean you away from the boppy and eventually into your own crib!  For now though, Mommy and Daddy like having you close at night!

You're eating every 2-3 hours and usually eat 2-3 ounces at a time.  Mommy is still working on breastfeeding with you...you seemed to not be satisfied if you're not eating from a bottle, but we're working on this.  So mommy usually pumps and then feeds you the breast milk from a bottle.  I'm hoping this will change, but for now it's what works and we're going with it.  I'm working on reminding myself that I was planning on going into breastfeeding with an open mind and doing what works.  As long as you're growing and are happy, I'm okay with where we are.

Over the past two weeks we've had several visitors and have made it out of the house a few times too.  We've gone to Target, to the Doctor, to visit Aleks and Kade, Great-Grandma Cleo, Great-Grandma Doris, to get your newborn photos taken, we've even had lunch with Daddy and Auntie Katie at the office where Daddy got to show you off a little!  Oh and we can't forget the ever important trip to Caribou!  Getting ready and out of the house is getting easier.  Today you gave Mommy the gift of getting to shower and do her hair, you just laid in your crib like a big boy looking at all of your stuffed animals!  It's easier to make plans knowing that you do such an awesome job and like riding around in the car and seeing new things!

You've definitely brought a lot of joy to both Daddy and I and also all the other family!  You are definitely everyone's favorite and everybody wants to see you and hold you as much as they can.  Mommy and Daddy feel pretty lucky to have such great family to help out with the transition and you are lucky to be SO loved!  Daddy is one special guy and we can't forget how much he does for both you and Mommy.  After working all day he comes home ready to hang out with his little guy and help around the house anyway he can.  He's awesome at giving Mommy a break when she needs it and doing exactly what Mommy needs, even if she doesn't know she needs it!  Mommy loves seeing you with Daddy and knowing just how much he loves you.  I can't imagine how hard it is for him to be at work all day and away from you!  We are definitely lucky to have such a great guy to take care of us.

Baby Swan...you definitely are a great  addition to the family!  Life before you seems like forever ago and I can't imagine not having you here.  The addition of you has brought Mommy and Daddy closer together and made Mommy appreciate and love Daddy more than ever.  The past two weeks have flown by and make me feel so lucky that I still have many weeks at home with you!  You've started fussing...time for Mommy to be done and go take care of you!

Dad's blog to his son.

Hi little man.

It's your dad.  I figured I should check in since it's been since July that I contributed to this blog.  Your Mom made sure to remind me how long its been.

Well, you made it.  You have been welcomed into the world and your mom and I couldn't be happier.  You decided to make your arrival pretty interesting.  You made the announcement that you were on your way on Saturday at 8pm.  From that point on, Dad didn't sleep too much.  We waited 11 hours to head to the hospital and once we got there the marathon that was your birth started.  My job was pretty clear cut:  Make mom as comfortable as possible.  It wasn't as easy as I thought it would be and there were times where I was worried that Mom wasn't going to be able to go on, but you should know one thing.  Your mom is superwoman.  She might not act like it all the time, but just like a Trauscht, she stepped up when the pressure was on.  She hung through it all, the long labor, the pain, the lack of sleep.  There was even a point where Dad almost lost it.  I wasn't expecting to be very involved but I had no choice.  And after a little regrouping with myself I got back in it and helped mom welcome you to the world.  My favorite part was when they had you in the warming bed and the nurse told me I should say "Hi" and that you would recognize my voice.  I leaned over and said "Hello Ethan, welcome to our family."  And right on cue your little eyes popped open and to this day I swear you smiled.  I got to be the one to carry you over and introduce you to your mom.  You two were made for each other.  The look on her face is something i'll remember for the rest of my life.

Since coming home you've given us a run for our money.  You've been the focal point of our family and friends and everyone knows why.  You're so special and a wonderful baby so far.  We've been the typical nervous parents on more than a few occasions, but that was to be expected.  You've really settled into a groove and made it pretty easy for Mom and Dad.  Even Kona seems to like you being around, or maybe she just enjoys having someone around all day.  You have some really great Aunts and Uncle's and some outstanding Grandparents.  There are some extended family members that have yet to meet you but I just know they'll love you right away.  You're almost 14 days old now and time is already flying by in Dad's perspective.  Every day I leave for work is hard because I would much rather be at home with my new family.  But i guess someone has to make some money.  Weekends are that much more enjoyable because I can spend my time on the couch with my little buddy watching sports.  The nice part is Mom doesn't get too upset with me when I do this anymore because it gives her a break! :-)

There are so many things I look forward to teaching you and also experiencing with you.  Nothing is set in stone but I am hoping certain things are in the making.  One thing I do know is that you're going to have two loving parents for the rest of your life so get used to it.  I hope you enjoy this blog of yours because it's going to be an experience looking back on the things you experience and the stuff we remember.

Welcome to the world Ethan.  We're glad you're here.

Dad.

The Arrival of Baby Swan!

While the story is still fresh in my mind and baby swan is currently sleeping next to me, I thought I'd take the time to document the story of baby swan's arrival into the world.  This is mostly for me, so I remember the details of the labor and delivery of baby swan.  I'll try not to include too many graphic details, but consider yourself warned.

It all started Saturday, October 9th.  Kevin and I spent the day doing some yard work and trying to pass time while we still waited for baby swan.  We also had plans with my sister, Katie and her boyfriend that evening.  Kevin and I finally had plans after sitting around waiting for baby swan!  We went to my parents for cards and the Twins game with Katie and Chris.  We'd only been at the house for about 30 or 45 minutes.  Chris was talking to me about waiting and how I was handling it.  I made some off the shoulder comment about how people who's water breaks have it easy, they know that the baby is coming soon.  I'd been having some contractions on and off all day, but nothing really out of the ordinary.  In hind sight, I must have known something was different because I had this weird nagging feeling in the back of my head.  At one point I told Kevin to feel how rock hard my stomach was, and confided quietly that I'd been having contractions on and off all afternoon and evening.  It was then I decided I needed to use the restroom.  While walking across the kitchen at my parents house I felt a trickle, I started silently questioning myself if I had just peed my pants or if it was my water breaking.  It was confirmed shortly it was my water breaking, 8pm Saturday evening.  I discretely tried to tell Kevin we needed to head home, but realized I was never going to be able to leave without telling my family, so everyone there got to find out...baby swan would be arriving shortly (just not as short as we all originally thought!).

I called the midwife on-call on the way home and she told me to come in at 8:00am Sunday morning if I didn't get uncomfortable before then, but she thought she would see me in a few hours.  Kevin and I got home and started reading through the material for the hospital brushing up on what we needed to know.  I continued to have contractions, but not regularly and they weren't making me uncomfortable.  Around midnight I decided we need to head to bed and attempt to get some sleep.  Of course, who was I kidding...we were both too anxious and excited to really get quality sleep.  7am rolled around and I decided it was time to wake up and get ready to head into the hospital...only problem was, I didn't feel any contractions.  I felt like an idiot checking into the hospital without any contractions, and I started doubting that it was truly my water that broke the night before (even though I knew it was and Kevin kept reassuring me it was what I thought it was).  I got put into a triage room and the midwife came to check me.  My water did in fact break and I was 3cm dialted and 80% effaced.  Not much progress since my appointment, but a little.  They started IV fluids and told me that I'd be starting pitocin soon to get the labor moving.

Once into our delivery room and the Pitocin was started Kevin and I started making bets about when baby swan would make his arrival.  This was at 11am Sunday, October 10I can't remember what either of us guessed, but it was definitely that he would be born on 10-10-10.  We also called Bubba to wish her a Happy Birthday and let her know we'd be missing out on her birthday celebration, but that we'd likely have a gift for her later...little did we know.  So the Pitocin was running and Kevin and I were hanging out watching football all Sunday afternoon.  My contractions started getting stronger, but nothing I couldn't handle.  At 5:30pm my contractions were starting to make me pretty uncomfortable and I was waiting for the midwife to deliver another baby before I would be checked, so I decided to take a bath and try and relax.  The nurse turned off the lights and put a flashlight in the room, Kevin put the Ipod and speaker and I hung out by myself in the tub, singing along to the music whenever I had a contraction.  It was while I was in the tub, I decided I may need pain medication, but didn't want to make the decision until I knew how far along I had progressed.  The midwife came in and checked me and took the wind out of my sails...I was only 5 cm dialted and 100% effaced.  I had been laboring for 7.5 hours and hadn't progressed much at all.  I decided the epidural was needed and it couldn't come soon enough.

The epidural was a life saver.  I was able to sleep a little and just be more comfortable in general.  Kevin and I quickly realized that baby swan was likely not going to arrive 10-10-10.  When the midwife said goodbye to me at 7pm and told me she'd be back at 7am and she hoped I had a baby by then I thought she was kidding. I never thought it would take another 12 hours for me to have a baby, but she was just about right.  There were several times over the next few hours that I cried to Kevin that I wouldn't be able to do it.  I couldn't take anymore.  Kevin was awesome and kept telling me I had more strength than I knew and I could keep going.  It was what I needed to keep moving forward.At some point during the night they realized that baby swan had pooped in the womb and we would need more staff at his birthday party.  This made me nervous, but I was just focusing on having a healthy baby.  At 3:30am the midwife came to check me and told me that I was 10cm dialted and 100% effaced, but the baby was still a little high...she also told me I could start pushing.  The only problem was, I couldn't feel my contractions, just one painful spot on my pelvis.  We then decided that we'd wait a half hour and see if he'd dropped down any farther.  It was at 4am on Monday, October 11 that I truly started pushing.  I pushed for a half hour and felt like I made no progress, no one was telling me anything.  I started crying to Kevin telling him I couldn't do it, I didn't have anything left in me.  He kept telling me what he'd been telling me all night, that I could in fact do it and he would help in any way he could.  So at 4:30am I put my mind to it and started pushing like crazy.  I don't remember at what time, but suddenly the midwife said, you've done awesome we're going to have a baby.  This seemed surreal and the actual birth of baby swan seemed too easy.  So after 2 hours and 11 minutes of pushing...Ethan Daniel Trauscht was born at 6:11am weighing in at 8lbs 15oz and 22 inches long!  He also had a huge 15 inch head!  Due to the meconinium, I wasn't allowed to hold Ethan right away.  He was quickly wisked away after delivery to be checked and make sure everything was okay.  I wasn't able to hold him in my arms until he was almost 45 minutes old.  

So, the labor and delivery were about as far from what I thought would happen or could plan for, but in the end Kevin and I ended up with the most perfect little boy and we couldn't be happier.  The hospital stay was nothing like I envisioned either.  We ended up having to follow Ethan's blood sugar, feed him formula, deal with massive spitting up and trying to learn to how to breastfeed.  It was a whirlwind of things going on and we ended up home Tuesday night at 9pm.  Kevin and I were both exhausted and couldn't believe he was home.  Now just a few short days later...I'm feeling less sleep deprived, more confident in my ability as a mother and lucky as ever to have the most awesome husband in the world.  Truly this experience has brought Kevin and I so much closer together.  Kevin dealt with and did more than I ever thought he would and was my rock throughout the whole experience.  True to Kevin's form...he helped ease my anxiety, reassure my abilities and knowledge of what is right.  I'm so much more in love with him now than I was just a few short days ago.  Seeing Kevin as a dad is everything I thought he'd be.  It's obvious how much he adores Ethan and wants to be the best dad and husband in the world and he is.  I'm so lucky!!

If you've made it through this monster post, congratulations!  As soon as I find my camera charger and cord, I'll post pictures of Ethan.  I already have more pictures of this little man than I know what to do with, but I can't help document all of his cute little quirks!  So that's the update from the Swan family, we finally have a baby and are so head over heels in love with him!

Due Date

Today is Baby Swan's due date and alas, we have no baby.  I'd say Kevin was way off when he said he'd be born on September 28th.  I had little faith he'd be born early, but I thought maybe, just maybe he'd be here by now.  Oh well, that's life...he'll be here soon enough!  So today I had my 40 week appointment.  Not a whole lot happened, I'm about as far along as I was at my 39 week appointment.  I'm 1-2 cm dialated and about 50% effaced.  I know this has very little to do with when I'll deliver, but it would've been nice to see a little change this week.  I still am not really having any contractions, just a few every so often.  So we continue to sit and wait in the Swan household.  I'm still pretty comfortable and work is being flexible with allowing me to keep coming in and working up until I deliver Baby Swan.  Today at my appointment we talked about what is next.  If I'm still pregnant at 41 weeks I'll have an ultrasound and a non-stress test.  This is normal procedure and is just to make sure the placenta is still providing everything Baby Swan needs.  It is at this appointment that we'll also talk about induction and when we should evict  Baby Swan.  I really want to avoid an induction if at all possible, so I'm doing my best to sweet talk Baby Swan into coming this week.  The weather is beautiful and I think it'd be a lovely week to be born!  My sister is trying to convince him to come so he can watch Twins playoff baseball with him and get a chance to wear his new Twins onesie while the Twins are actually still playing!  We shall see what happens!

In other exciting news our good friends Jess and Aleks just had a baby boy, Kade Aleksandar, on October 3rd!  They didn't know what they were having so I was very excited to hear it was a boy, Baby Swan will have a playmate very close in age!  Aleks and I were roommates in college and it has been fun to share the experience of pregnancy and all the joys that come with it!  I still haven't had a chance to meet Kade, but I can't wait and am excited that Aleks and I will have maternity leave off together.  I also can't wait to talk to Aleks about her labor and birth story, it'll be nice to chat with someone who has gone through it so recently!

So this week brings more waiting, Kevin and I are trying to balance doing things and putting our lives on pause while we await Baby Swan's arrival.  We celebrated Gwen's golden birthday on Sunday and will celebrate Bubba's birthday this coming Sunday!  Hopefully before too long, we'll also be celebrating Baby Swan's birthday!  Until then, more waiting, continuing to work, get the house ready for a baby and just enjoy our last few days as a couple!

Week 38

Not a whole bunch to report, but a few things have been happening this week.  Had an appointment with my midwife on Wednesday, nothing new to report there.  Baby swan is head down, I'm dilated to 1cm and he appears to be pretty comfy in his current home.  I was hoping maybe the full moon would make some changes, but no such luck!

I worked last weekend, so I had Monday and Tuesday off this week.  It was nice to have a couple of days off during the week.  I got some errands run, and then caught up on sleep and relaxing.  Trying to fit more of this in before Baby Swan comes!  I also got a much needed massage on Monday morning, now if only I could get one of those every day-life would be heavenly!

Monday evening we met with the daycare lady to sign paperwork and confirm plans, her name is Debbie.  Debbie has kids our age and has been doing daycare for years.  We really like her fairly laid back attitude and the fact that she keeps the group around 4 or 5 kids.  I however felt like crying through the entire meeting with her.  Kevin confirmed that I did in fact look like I was about to burst into tears the entire time.  It's not that I'm worried about leaving Baby Swan with Debbie, I KNOW she will be great.  I went to daycare too, and I loved my daycare lady, I loved the friends I got to play with there and overall enjoyed the experience.  I however can't imagine someone else getting to spend more time a week with my son than I do.  It's not the way I thought it would go.  I thought I could get the best of both worlds, and maybe I will.  For now though...I had to sign paperwork saying he will be there M-F, 7am-5pm.  I know that most months he will get to spend a day a week with Bubba, I also know that it won't be everyday that he is there the entire time.  Logically I know all this.  Emotionally all I can think about is how someone else gets to spend more time with him being awake than I do.  That SUCKS.  I haven't even met the little guy yet and I can't help from tearing up when I think about having to drop him off at daycare, which by the way, Kevin already informed me I will not be dropping him off for fear of non-stop waterworks from me!  I have no idea if I will even have to go through the whole full-time daycare thing, maybe it'll work out and I'll get to go back to work part-time.  Either way Monday was one of the hardest days I've had in a long time, and also one of the many hard days I'm sure I'll have in Baby Swan's life.  For now, I'm focusing on how I get to be the lucky parent who gets at least 3 months off with him once he's here and that no matter what, I still get to be his mom! 

On to brighter news...yesterday I bought the last things of my "must have" list for Baby Swan.  I think we are officially ready for him to come.  I'm sure there are things that we will realize we need, but for now we're ready!  Well...we need to install the carseat bases in the cars, but other than that, we're done.  Our bags are packed and the waiting game continues! 

So this week brought some relaxtion, a little more preparation, daycare finalization, and more waiting.  We are getting very anxious to meet Baby Swan!

The Nursery!

As promised...a post about the nursery.  As finished as it's going to be before Baby Swan makes his arrival, and finished just one day shy of being full-term.  As most people know I like to search for things for the house, find ways to decorate and just change things up a bit.  Also...most people know that I have trouble making decisions and trusting my gut, which usually means my house doesn't end up decorated the way I envisioned it because I couldn't commit.  The nursery is a different story, I set out to make a gender neutral nursery despite which gender of child we were having, I also set out to finish it until I was happy with how it turned out.  I managed to accomplish both goals.  The nursery definitely has more of a boyish feel, but still is pretty gender neutral.  It all started off with the bedding, which I have grown to love more and more as I decorated around it.  I was going for a more modern feel which is definitely not usually my decorating taste, but I think the way the room ended up was the perfect blend of modern and traditional touches.  I won't bore everyone with details of how I came to decide everything for the nursery that I have, there has been lots of thought and debating but in the end I stuck with what I was originally thinking and love how it turned out.  There will definitely be more personal things added as we share Baby Swan's name, have pictures of our family and acquire more toys and baby gadgets, but for now with the addition of the art...it is finished.  I'll let the pictures do the rest of the talking. 

Looking into the room from the doorway

Another look into the room from the doorway, and of the fan as well!

The glider corner, night stand and modern animal prints

Green lamp, crib and bedding, and empty paper lanterns in place of the mobile

Bookcase and toy/storage baskets

Baby Swans closet!

So the nursery is finished, I'm now 37 weeks and considered full term and the hospital bag is packed.  Carseat bases will be added to the cars shortly and all we will have to do is sit and wait for Baby Swan to make his arrival.  I have another appointment with the midwife tomorrow and will update if there is any change in what's going on.  Otherwise it's just a waiting game in the Swan household!

36 weeks

It's been awhile since I've written...even longer for Kevin, but I suppose that's how it goes.  All is well in the Swan family.  The nursery is complete, minus art for the walls.  I ordered some modern animal art from an Etsy seller and am anxiously awaiting it's arrival.  Once the art is in the empty frames on the walls...the nursery will be complete, well minus a cute little baby swan!  When the art finally arrives I will take pictures  of the nursery and post them.  I'm loving how it turned out and really loving that this is the first room in the house I've re-decorated and finished completely!  This is no small task since I'm so indecisive I usually just look at options forever and never decide on anything.  It's the perfect balance of modern and traditional and gender neutral, but boy appropriate, just like I was hoping it would be.  It will be nice to know that baby swan's room is completely done until he comes up with his own preference for how his room is decorated.

Also, the painting in our house is complete as well.  My dad finished the living room and kitchen a few weeks ago and it looks great.  It was no small task to paint basically our entire upstairs, and I really appreciate his hard work and willingness to get the job done.  There is still a small area behind the fridge that didn't get painted and I'm okay with that.  You only see the unfinished part if you put your face up against the wall.  Surprisingly...it bugs my dad that it's not finished more than me.  I'm just happy to have the house put back together and to be all done with the painting before baby swan makes his appearance.  I'll work on the decorating part of these rooms later.

We are quickly approaching the full-term mark for baby swan and I am feeling more and more ready each day.  As far as pregnancy goes I'm still pretty comfortable and able to work no problem.  I feel so blessed to have had such an easy pregnancy.  Tying my shoes and bending over to pick things I've dropped up are getting more difficult, but if that's the worse I have to deal with, I'll take it!  We just have a few things to get that are necessities for baby swan and I and we will be all set for his arrival whenever he decides to come.  I can't believe I'm writing that...less than a month until the due date, CRAZY!!  I had a midwife appointment yesterday and everything is looking good.  Baby swan is head down, but still rather high up.  I'm only slightly dilated and it appears that baby swan is pretty comfy in his current home for now.  I'm okay with that, I have a few things I'd like to do before he comes and the longer he stays put the more likely I am to not have to go back to work until the New Year.  My midwife also confirmed my thoughts about having a bigger baby, she told me he doesn't feel like a small baby, but she's only saying that based on how he feels from the outside.  I tried to convince her maybe he's just really tall, but she didn't seem to buy it...I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Life around here is pretty much the same as always.  We are checking things off the ever shortening to-do list, making last trips to cabins before baby swan makes his arrival and continuing to work hard at work.  This weekend should be filled with some relaxing, a little shopping, some cooking of meals for the freezer and completed by another baby shower thrown by Bubba.  I'm looking forward to the shower and spending the weekend with Kevin enjoying one of our few remaining weekends until we are joined by baby swan.  Until then more of the same, with hopefully a little more relaxing and spending time with those we love before we become a family of 4 (we can't forget Kona!)

Our Luck Continues!

Still feeling so blessed to have such wonderful things in my life.  Last weekend I had my first shower and had such a great time!  We had the shower at Kevin's cabin and it was so wonderful, we played a few games, snacked on some good food, and enjoyed the great company...well I enjoyed the company, Kevin played on the boat and in the water with the little kids!  We got lots of great things...and Baby Swan's dresser and closet are slowly filling up.  Kevin has been spending more time in the nursery, well the glider to be exact.  I often find Kevin rocking in the glider, listening to music on our new snazzy CD/Ipod player from Bubba, just relaxing, soaking in the atmosphere...he's just missing baby swan in his arms!

I also was blessed last night with a shower from a few of my closest co-workers.  It was so much fun to get together and enjoy each other's company.  I might not always like my job, but my co-workers are definitely what makes it all worth it.  I truly am so lucky to have some of my greatest friendships come from my job.  They are a group of great ladies.  Baby Swan was spoiled with lots of cute outfits which I can't wait to put him in!

Yesterday I also had my 33 week appointment with my midwife.  Nothing special, things are looking good.  I'm measuring a little ahead at 34.5 weeks, but she said that's still in the normal range so they won't do anything about it.  She thinks that Baby Swan is head down, but we'll confirm that in a few weeks.  My next appointment will be at 36 weeks and then I'll switch to weekly appointments after that.  It's  hard to believe that this pregnancy is coming to an end and soon we'll be meeting Baby Swan.  Sometimes the time feels like it's dragging on and others it feels like it's flying by faster than I can keep up with.  I'm sure before we know it it'll be October.

We've also been working hard on the nursery this week.  We made a trip to Ikea to get some closet organizers and drawers to put all of baby swan's clothes, toys and paraphernalia in.  I've been working on finding a place for everything and having it organized as we go along.  Wednesday night my mom came over and helped me pick out drapes and finalize some other decisions as far as the nursery goes.  Tonight we spent our Friday night, hanging drapes, and paper lanterns over the crib.  It's fun to see my vision for the room come together and transform as I add things in.  Kevin hit the nail on the head tonight when he said..."Move over Baby Swan...Dad's moving in".  The room is getting pretty cozy and definitely feeling more and more like a nursery where a baby will soon reside.  There are still some final touches, but it is getting very close to being done!  

So the week brought lots of fun with friends and family, great showers, organizing and a little bit more settling of the nursery.  Tomorrow Kevin has his fantasy football draft and I'm heading to my parents cabin for a little relaxation on the lake.  I'm hoping to get the nursery done in the next few weeks and when I do, I'll be sure to post some pictures!

A Lot to be Thankful For

Life for the Swan family has been pretty hectic lately.  Nothing in particular stands out, but we've been running left and right, with little time to stop and smell the roses.  Awhile ago I told Kevin I was going to try and do a better job of stopping and enjoying the moment, notice the little things and take stock in all the things I'm lucky to have.  I was doing a good job for awhile, but lately have been slacking big time.  The busyness of everything has been bogging me down and I've forgotten to stop and look around.  I have the to-do list constantly running through my head, whether it be nesting or just my usual need/desire to have things in control, I've lost sight of what is really important and all the things I'm lucky to have...tonight I had an evening at home to really stop and look around at what I've got in my life, and it made me feel pretty darn lucky.

First, I'm so thankful to have a dad who is willing to make time in his work week, and his own to-do list to do things for me.  I'm also so grateful he likes to paint!  My dad has been a painting machine in our house this week.   Kevin has helped out immensely by doing all the prep work, sanding down the walls, taping, moving furniture, getting everything ready.  My dad has spent the past 4 days climbing ladders, squeezing into tight spaces, climbing around on all fours, getting more paint, listening to me pointing out places that need another coat and so on.  Due to all his hard work...our upstairs is almost entirely painted and neither Kevin or I picked up a paint brush.  We (meaning my dad) have one wall left in the living room, and then the kitchen and the entire upstairs living space will be freshly painted!  This is a project we've been talking about since May or June.  It took me forever to find a paint color, and then trying to find time to prep and get things ready and then really start painting took awhile longer.  Now in one of the hottest weeks of the Summer, my dad has been slaving away painting in our house...I can't wait to see the finish product, but so far I absolutely love it!  This painting project has also been helping with nesting, because I've been able to dust all the furniture, wipe down baseboards and just generally do some cleaning I wouldn't normally do without having everything displaced.  However, this displacement of stuff has really made me out of sorts as well!

Second, I'm the luckiest lady on earth to have the most awesome husband.  Kevin has been working long hours at the office, only to come home to have to do more work and try and tackle the to-do list I have running as well.  This week he's taken his very few spare moments to prep for my dad to paint, so it gets done, which he knows is something I've been waiting for.  He's also been spear-heading the daycare search and trying to get those loose ends tied up, so I can yet again cross another thing off my list!  I'm lucky to have someone who will go to the ends of the earth to make me happy and try to appease me, putting himself and his needs behind mine.  I'm also so proud of him for all the hours he puts in at the office and outside of work, to make sure that our family is well taken care of and we have all that we need.  We've  had some crazy busy nights lately and Kevin keeps plowing through them with a smile, something I wish I could say about myself.

I could go on and on about the things that I've reflected on tonight and feel so lucky to have, but the list would be long, and likely boring to others so I'll spare you.  The last thing though, is baby swan.  I'm one lucky soon-to-be mama.  I've had an easy pregnancy, I've so enjoyed feeling small little taps to the bigger more frequent rolls and rib-jabs and just feel blessed to have a little boy that will be coming home with us in just a couple of months.  I can't wait to meet him, see who he looks like, discover his personality and see all the joy he brings to Kevin and I and our friends and families.  I already know he's going to be amazing.  So while I've had to endure nights of restless sleep, swollen ankles in this hot Summer, and feeling like my ribs are being used as guitar strings, I'm also so thankful to have the opportunity to experience all of this.  To know that inside of me is a strong, healthy, growing baby boy.  Someone who I already am head over heels in love with and so anxious to meet.  In the meantime, I'll keep checking things off the to-do list preparing for baby swan's arrival.  When things get crazy and I start feeling overwhelmed with all that still needs to be done, I'll make myself stop, take a deep breath and remember all the things I'm truly thankful for.

The Latest Happenings in the Swan Family

Things have been going along well for us the past few weeks.  As Kevin said my Dad graciously came over and was going to help me paint the nursery, but ended up doing it all himself.  I wasn't planning on painting the whole thing again, but he ended up doing it, and I love that there is a fresh coat of paint.  The nursery is slowly coming together.  We made a trip to Ikea this weekend for a bookcase and a night stand for next to our glider (which hopefully we will get soon), and put the bookcase together.  I also found some curtains and just need to grab a curtain rod, and then we can start putting the nursery together a little more.  The paper lanterns I ordered for above the crib arrived, and are waiting in the crib to be hung.  I'm hoping this weekend we can spend some time adding some of the details to the Nursery and really start to see it come together. 

I celebrated my 27th birthday a few days ago...weird to think that my next birthday will be celebrated with our little boy!  I spent the morning getting a massage and the afternoon with my mom and dad and we all had dinner together that evening.  Kevin spent the evening golfing, but they beat the 1st place team, so it looks like they are making a run at winning their leauge again!  Kevin surprised me for my birthday and bought me a video camera...I'm excited to be able to take videos of baby swan and have those memories documented.  My sisters and I love to watch our old home videos and I'm hoping someday baby swan and his siblings will enjoy the same thing too. 

We also made it through our first weekend of child preparation classes.  We attended the baby basics and breastfeeding class.  The baby basics didn't teach us much we didn't already know, but the breastfeeding class had some good information.  I think we both thought it was going to be worse than it was, and we got out early so we were impressed!  This weekend we have the childbirth class, which since neither one of us have any experience with this I think will be good.  We opted for the full day class so we don't have to miss out on any other weekends at the cabins, so it will likely be a long Saturday, but hopefully informative and get us ready for baby swan when he decides to make his appearance! 

On the job front I had another meeting with my boss yesterday.  She made it seem more promising that I might be able to come back part-time in January after my maternity leave.  She also made it well known that she can't promise anything as of now, so we're still in limbo, wondering what the future will bring but I feel better about it and know that it will all work out like it's supposed to.  I just have to let go of it and see what happens!

It's hard to believe how fast Summer is going, and to think that October will be here before we know it.  We still have some other projects to get done around the house that we've been putting off for awhile, but I know they will get done before baby swan makes his appearance.  And as Kevin said...we do have a lot done, and I fully trust that should something happen sooner than expected we'd be okay.  Although, I'm cherishing the last few months we have just the two of us to finish a few things and get even more organized for baby swan when he gets here.  Nothing too exciting to report, just nursery decorating, home project doing and enjoying our last couple months of Summer.

Things to learn

Things have been progressing in regards to Baby Swan's arrival.  The due date keeps getting closer and closer and while I see Kelsey's anxiety start to grow, I'm left experiencing the excitement in my own way.  I try to be the calm one and keep the understanding that there is still plenty of time to do what we need to, and if something were to suddenly happen, we have done enough preparation that if need be, I could run out and get everything we absolutely need in less than an hour and a half. :-)  That being said we still have a lot left we would like to do.

We had the nursery painted last week by a nice painting company called Frank's Father-In-Law Painting Services.  I like the company slogan the best:  "Frank will paint when Kevin is gone so Kelsey doesn't have to."  It's catchy and effective.  As always Frank did a great job and while we still have more painting to do in the upper level, at least the nursery can start coming together.  I'm not sure why we needed to paint to get it all started, but then again I'm not the one with the eye for design. :-)  In the next weeks we will be putting together Baby Swan's room and gathering everything we need for his arrival.

One thing we have to take care of are the baby classes.  Tomorrow is the instructional class on introductory baby teachings.  For me its not Baby 101, thanks to my sister and her kids.  But really, i didn't do too much taking care of the niece and nephew, more just playing with them.  So I guess this class is more like Baby 201.. an advance introductory course for first time parents.  I'm trying to approach it with an interest in learning what really has to go into taking care of a baby, but really I have all the confidence in the world in Kelsey, and I know that I have the support of a great family with numerous resources.  I'm not at all worried about screwing something up with the infancy stage, but I am worried about how I'm going to sit through these classes.  I'm just hoping they are put together well and that they don't turn off Kelsey as an unnecessary use of our time.  I will be paying attention as always, but I really would like to get some enjoyment out of them.  Perhaps if anything the classes will provide a reason to be more excited about Baby Swan's arrival.

Later in the month is the family shower from the Trauscht side at the Cabin.  I'm looking forward to seeing everyone and of course doing all the normal cabin stuff.  Otherwise all is normal on the home front from what I've heard.  I've been travelling a lot this week in order to be home next week.  Personally next week is my favorite week of the summer.  The 3M championship golf event starts next week and I get to play in the Pro-Am with my dad!  I remember watching him play in a number of them growing up and to play with him is a nice perk on an already fun event.  The draw party is Tuesday and we play on Thursday.  I hope I play well but I know that it will be memorable.  After that golf will probably start to take a back seat because my league will wrap up and before you know it we will be in September really getting ready for anything.  I'm predicting a September 28th arrival.  I think it's about time we start a pool for a birth date.  Should be fun!

We'll keep you posted.

Dad-to-be.

My smile is back!

So last night I found my smile again...thanks to the daycare lady we interviewed.  I should start this by saying there is no way that we will be choosing this lady, but the experience was too funny to not share.  I've been researching daycare's in the area around our house for some time and Kevin has been calling and setting up interviews with providers and talking to them about our needs and what they offer.  To be fair...Kevin warned me about his initial feelings about this woman, but I didn't want to discount someone by the way they sounded on the phone.  Plus she is practically in our backyard and has a little longer hours than other people we've talked to.  After meeting her, I'm a little afraid that she's living so close to us :) 

So last night we walk over to this woman's house and upon meeting her, I give Kevin some crazy eyes...little did I know what I would see next.  She showed us into her living room and immediately I wanted to burst out laughing.  This woman's living room walls were covered in mounted deer heads.  I get that it's her husbands hobby, but...really?  Mulitple levels of deer heads on the walls of a very tiny living room.  Kevin got the same feeling, but started counting the heads silently to himself for the effect of the story later.  In case you're wondering...there was 26 deer heads that Kevin counted.  Next she ushered us downstairs to the daycare area, in her unfinished cold, dungeon of a basement.  To give her credit there was colors on the walls, letters, numbers and toys around, but the ceiling and walls were unfinished and it was cold down there.  She immediately started showing us all her safety information and bombarding us with information we didn't even have a chance to ask for.  When she turned to bragging about her two daughters every 2 minutes I had had enough.  I couldn't even think of questions to come up with to ask her.  Luckily Kevin thought of a few to ask her and enough to make us seem polite.  She told us that she didn't have any questions for us, because she had us all figured out (what a scary thought).  I couldn't get out of there fast enough, because I had made my mind up within the first two minutes of meeting her, there is no way I'm leaving our son in her care for any amount of time.  If you've ever seen the show Big Bang Theory she is much like the female version of Sheldon.  Although thinking about it, I might leave our son with someone like Sheldon before this woman. 

After leaving I couldn't stop laughing and talking about her.  Kevin was afraid as we were walking away that she was gawking at us through the window or that the yard was bugged to hear what we were saying.  I'm sure she's great with kids, I know that her care would be EXTREMELY safe and clean, she just wasn't what we were looking for in daycare at all.  We hope to find someone friendly, who allows kids to be kids, to play, laugh, giggle, make messes and just generally have fun all while learning at the same time.  Luckily we have met with one daycare provider who seems to offer all of this, and we will definitely be interviewing some more. 

I texted my dad upon leaving the daycare, because he appreciates this kind of stuff and as a hunter himself I thought he should know about the deer heads.  When he told me "Ya, I don't think so" I knew it for sure wasn't a fit.  I continued to tell him about her and at one point my dad asked, "Did she wear a coon skin hat as well?"   To which I replied..."No, but she was wearing a camo shirt".  That's right, she was wearing camo at our interview.  John Deere maybe, camo...NO WAY! 

All in all it was a great night, I found something to laugh about and get my mind thinking of other things than what's going on with work.  Kevin got to see me smile again and we both learned a very valuable lesson.  Go with your gut.  Kevin has a great first instinct and was right about this lady from the beginning, but at least we had the opportunity to find out what a definite NO is when it comes to daycare providers.  Back to the search...and maybe someday when baby swan is acting naughty we'll taunt him with who he could've been stuck with for daycare if he didn't have parents that loved him so much! 

What to do next?

I've had so many blogs in the beginning of composition running through my mind, but I think the most necessary one to start with is the latest news I got yesterday.  Last week I scheduled a meeting with my bosses for this week to discuss maternity leave and the plan for afterwards.  It has been well known at work that I don't want to continue working full-time after baby swan makes his arrival.  I made sure everyone knew this plan way back in February when we finally started telling people we were expecting.  No one at work said that this would be a problem, in fact both of my bosses said they completely understood and were all for me doing what's best for our family.  So Kevin and I have been planning all along that I would return to work in January only 3 days a week.  We've started searching for daycares to cover 2 days a week and Bubba graciously offered to watch baby swan the third day.  We thought about days, our schedules, what would work best and thought everything was set.  That brings us to yesterday...I go into a meeting thinking that we are going to discuss how much time I'm taking off and what my schedule will be like when I return.  Then I get slammed with the news that my position is only full-time and that dropping hours isn't possible.  My bosses go on to tell me that my position wouldn't be as effective without a full-time person filling it, nor is there any other place for me to go with decreased hours.  Basically I was hit with the message that I could return full-time after my maternity leave, or not return at all.  They did say that things could change over the course of the next couple of months, but as of now there isn't any flexibility and no knowledge of anyone wanting to pick up hours or the ability to hire someone else on to cover my leftover hours.  Of course this "meeting" only lasted about 10 minutes max and I had nothing to say at the time.  I was speechless...I go from hearing no problem, do what's best for your family, we want you to stay on staff...to you can come back full-time or if you choose not to come back we understand.  What a slap in the face. 

I've worked hard, I've put up with a lot, I've done everything I could while I was at work.  My job is emotionally draining, and often hard to go to with a smile, but I've done it for 4 years.  I've gotten good at what I do.  I like knowing that I go to work and help people every day.  That was my goal when I left college, I wanted to try and make a difference in the lives of others.  My job has given me the ability to do that.  I've also met some of my closest friends in my co-workers.  We have so much fun together hanging out outside of work, and they've become some of my closest confidants.  I'm feeling so dejected right now.  It's hard to come back to a place that I feel like 4 years of work means nothing.  I've always joked about wanting to be a stay at home mom and I still think that would be the greatest job in the world.  However, over the last 4 years I've also learned a lot about myself.  I'm not sure that I could stay home every day, I like interacting with others, I LOVE my co-workers, and I like knowing that I'm contributing financially to our family, giving us some luxuries we'd otherwise have to go without.  I thought we had figured out the perfect plan, a way for us to still have the life we're accustomed to, but also let me stay at home with our son part of the time and also get the satisfaction of working and being with great friends a few days a week.  Now I'm left to figure out what to do next.  Do I come back to work full-time?  Do I try to find something different? Do I try to stay home full-time with our son?  There are so many questions without many answers right now, which of course is driving me crazy since I'm very type A and like to plan things out! 

I know that things happen for a reason, and Kevin's been encouraging me to find something different for awhile.  I've been searching.  Searching for something that can be fulfilling and yet at the same time lift me up emotionally.  Not be so draining.  The thing is I haven't found that thing.  Maybe this is the time to do it.  The thing is I know the economy is tough and finding a job is tougher.  I've been looking and applying for awhile and haven't even gotten a phone call back.  What if I don't find something different?  It's crazy how much this is defining me right now.  I feel like a failure.   I feel like I'm not good enough to keep the job I've had for 4 years, and not really good enough to get a new one.  I know this isn't the case, I know I'm totally capable of doing many different jobs, and I know that if we ultimately decide that I should stay at home, I will rock that as well.  It's just hard to feel like you've devoted a good portion of life for 4 years to a company and they can just say well take it or leave it, we don't care.  Maybe things will work out at work and I will be able to go part-time, maybe not.  In the end I know it'll all work out how it's supposed to, I'm just struggling with the chaos of it right now.  I do know though that it will get better and things with work themselves out. 

Sorry for the novel, just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere and I figured where else but this blog?  I'm sure someday I'll re-read this and laugh about where I was at.  Until then, I'll keep looking forward to meeting our baby swan and having enough support to get through anything.