Mothers Instinct

We just got back from the lactation consultant.  This is an appointment I've felt like I should have made awhile ago, but at the same time kept putting off because I didn't know it was necessary.  I think deep down I knew it was necessary, but was trying to take cues from Ethan and listen to what other people who love us had to say.  In the beginning I was exclusively pumping and feeding Ethan what I pumped, he was thriving on this and was pretty happy, but I started getting concerned he was going to start eating more than I was able to pump.  I was also feeling guilty that I wasn't breastfeeding him and we weren't getting that bonding time.  So I started doing a little of both, gradually I started breastfeeding more than I was feeding him out of the bottle.  I thought things were going pretty well, he adjusted nicely and was eating well from the breast.  I was also trying to continue pumping to increase my supply and build up a freezer supply for daycare.

 A few weeks ago I went to my friends Aleks' house...her son Kade is just a week older than Ethan.  Kade was way littler than Ethan when he was born, but the day I was there he looked huge compared to Ethan.  It was at this moment I thought maybe something was wrong or not going well, but I kind of blew it off.  A week later, I once again was at Aleks' house and saw Kade again, he was even bigger however Ethan still looked the same.  I also got to see Aleks feed Kade, he ate like a champ and seemed to be guzzling the milk down...something Ethan rarely does.  I also took the opportunity to use Aleks baby scale to weigh Ethan, he was 10 pounds, only about a pound heavier than he was the day he was born.  Last week this nagging feeling inside continued.  I called the lactation people to talk about Ethan's eating habits.  I also called the pediatrician for a weight check.  He was still 10 pounds and had grown an inch.  The pediatrician and I talked about what I was doing feeding wise and she seemed okay with everything, so told me she'd see me at his 2 month appointment.  I was still unsettled.  Something still didn't seem quite right.  Ethan seems content after feedings and when he obviously is still very hungry Kevin or I feed him breast milk from a bottle.  Today I finally called the lactation people again and set up an appointment because I continued having a nagging feeling every time I fed him.  I just had a feeling that it wasn't going as well as it should.  Today I was confirmed.  Ethan once again only weighed 10 pounds.  The lactation lady confirmed that he likes breast feeding and also that he is able to latch on well, the problem is my body isn't making enough milk.  When he feeds from me he only gets about 3 ounces.  OUCH.

A little disheartening to know that the hours I've put into breastfeeding and pumping for the past 6 weeks still aren't enough.  Luckily for both of us I listened to my gut and took action.  The lactation consultant and I came up with a plan.  I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the plan but if it enables me to start making enough milk to continue breast feeding the little man, I'll do whatever I need to.  If it doesn't help it looks like he might be headed for formula.  Not the worse thing in the world but definitely not what I wanted and makes me feel guilty and like I'm not doing a good enough job.  So the plan is to keep breastfeeding, continue pumping after breastfeeding, supplement with breast milk that I've pumped after feeding him and take some herbal supplements that are supposed to help boost my supply.  This is my last resort...I'm going to try it for 2 weeks or so, if we see a difference great, if not I'll concede and recognize my body just wasn't meant to breastfeed our little guy.  Really I just want to see him healthy, gaining weight and thriving.

Today though I'm overwhelmed with feelings...guilt for not doing something sooner when I had the feeling it wasn't enough, sad that I really want to breastfeed and just might not be able to, and worried that I've somehow made him worse for the wear in the past few weeks.  In reality...I know he's fine.  He's been getting enough to sustain and be happy.  The kid loves to talk and smile.  He's happy.  This is what has kept me from calling in the first place.  As the lactation consultant put it today, "The good thing is you have a happy baby, the hard thing is he doesn't really let you know when he's not getting enough."  Ummm...true that lady.  He's had me fooled, the cute smiles, the coos, the being content, you'd never know he hasn't been getting enough.  And maybe he has.  Maybe he won't want tons more after breastfeeding him.  It's a guessing game for everyone, which is what I keep telling myself to keep my guilt at bay.  So let the new plan begin and the craziness it will bring.  Let's also just hope it brings a somewhat chunkier baby and more milk from mom.  I guess I know what I'll be praying for the next few days.  And hopefully I'll have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving...more milk!