Mothers Instinct

We just got back from the lactation consultant.  This is an appointment I've felt like I should have made awhile ago, but at the same time kept putting off because I didn't know it was necessary.  I think deep down I knew it was necessary, but was trying to take cues from Ethan and listen to what other people who love us had to say.  In the beginning I was exclusively pumping and feeding Ethan what I pumped, he was thriving on this and was pretty happy, but I started getting concerned he was going to start eating more than I was able to pump.  I was also feeling guilty that I wasn't breastfeeding him and we weren't getting that bonding time.  So I started doing a little of both, gradually I started breastfeeding more than I was feeding him out of the bottle.  I thought things were going pretty well, he adjusted nicely and was eating well from the breast.  I was also trying to continue pumping to increase my supply and build up a freezer supply for daycare.

 A few weeks ago I went to my friends Aleks' house...her son Kade is just a week older than Ethan.  Kade was way littler than Ethan when he was born, but the day I was there he looked huge compared to Ethan.  It was at this moment I thought maybe something was wrong or not going well, but I kind of blew it off.  A week later, I once again was at Aleks' house and saw Kade again, he was even bigger however Ethan still looked the same.  I also got to see Aleks feed Kade, he ate like a champ and seemed to be guzzling the milk down...something Ethan rarely does.  I also took the opportunity to use Aleks baby scale to weigh Ethan, he was 10 pounds, only about a pound heavier than he was the day he was born.  Last week this nagging feeling inside continued.  I called the lactation people to talk about Ethan's eating habits.  I also called the pediatrician for a weight check.  He was still 10 pounds and had grown an inch.  The pediatrician and I talked about what I was doing feeding wise and she seemed okay with everything, so told me she'd see me at his 2 month appointment.  I was still unsettled.  Something still didn't seem quite right.  Ethan seems content after feedings and when he obviously is still very hungry Kevin or I feed him breast milk from a bottle.  Today I finally called the lactation people again and set up an appointment because I continued having a nagging feeling every time I fed him.  I just had a feeling that it wasn't going as well as it should.  Today I was confirmed.  Ethan once again only weighed 10 pounds.  The lactation lady confirmed that he likes breast feeding and also that he is able to latch on well, the problem is my body isn't making enough milk.  When he feeds from me he only gets about 3 ounces.  OUCH.

A little disheartening to know that the hours I've put into breastfeeding and pumping for the past 6 weeks still aren't enough.  Luckily for both of us I listened to my gut and took action.  The lactation consultant and I came up with a plan.  I'm feeling a little overwhelmed with the plan but if it enables me to start making enough milk to continue breast feeding the little man, I'll do whatever I need to.  If it doesn't help it looks like he might be headed for formula.  Not the worse thing in the world but definitely not what I wanted and makes me feel guilty and like I'm not doing a good enough job.  So the plan is to keep breastfeeding, continue pumping after breastfeeding, supplement with breast milk that I've pumped after feeding him and take some herbal supplements that are supposed to help boost my supply.  This is my last resort...I'm going to try it for 2 weeks or so, if we see a difference great, if not I'll concede and recognize my body just wasn't meant to breastfeed our little guy.  Really I just want to see him healthy, gaining weight and thriving.

Today though I'm overwhelmed with feelings...guilt for not doing something sooner when I had the feeling it wasn't enough, sad that I really want to breastfeed and just might not be able to, and worried that I've somehow made him worse for the wear in the past few weeks.  In reality...I know he's fine.  He's been getting enough to sustain and be happy.  The kid loves to talk and smile.  He's happy.  This is what has kept me from calling in the first place.  As the lactation consultant put it today, "The good thing is you have a happy baby, the hard thing is he doesn't really let you know when he's not getting enough."  Ummm...true that lady.  He's had me fooled, the cute smiles, the coos, the being content, you'd never know he hasn't been getting enough.  And maybe he has.  Maybe he won't want tons more after breastfeeding him.  It's a guessing game for everyone, which is what I keep telling myself to keep my guilt at bay.  So let the new plan begin and the craziness it will bring.  Let's also just hope it brings a somewhat chunkier baby and more milk from mom.  I guess I know what I'll be praying for the next few days.  And hopefully I'll have something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving...more milk!

A month old

Ethan you are now a month old (and a few days!)  It's taken me awhile to get this post written, but I wanted to document the first month of life so I don't forget it!  You are still sticking to the schedule of going to bed around 11pm and sleeping anywhere from 3-5 hours.  Now that we are primarily breast feeding and not giving you many bottles you are sleeping closer to 3 hours in your first stretch of sleep and then waking up every two hours after that.  You still love to fight sleep but are getting a little better about giving in when you are tired.  You still love riding in the car and it immediately settles you down unless you are hungry and then you let Mommy know that it isn't okay to be riding in the car when you'd rather be eating.   Over the past month I've learned that your nursery is your happy place.  You love to lay in your crib and "talk" or lay on your changing table and talk.  You usually settle down immediately when we go into your room.  It makes me happy to know that you like your nursery so much!  You are also quite the snuggler...you love to be sleeping in someone's arms or be close to someone.  When you wake up in the morning you often are still tired, but will cry until we let you come into bed with us and then will quickly fall back to sleep.  You are still sleeping in the bassinet in our room and still sleeping propped up on your boppy pillow but I think the boppy is short lived.  You are such a squirmer that now when you sleep on your boppy you usually wind up squirming into the hole and getting upset.  It's amazing how much a month can change you and us as your parents.  We are more in love with you than ever!  Since I've been talking about posting pictures forever I figured now is as good as time as ever to do a month in review of pictures! Enjoy!

First picture, showing off your muscles.

Mommy getting to meet you for the first time!

Daddy holding his son!

First family photo.

Hanging out the evening of your birthday.

Getting ready to go home.

All buckled in to head home.

Family photo before leaving the hospital

Meeting Kona for the first time

Hanging out in your crib

Family walk the 2nd day home.

First bath.

Drying off with Daddy after your first bath, in your Tigger towel

Mom's attempt to get a good picture for Dad, instead caught the cross-eyes.

First Halloween in Auntie Katie's costume from 23 years ago.

Kung Fu Ethan

1 month birthday, getting so old!

Another shot of the 1 month old!

Getting bored with Mom taking pictures.

Getting so big!

And there you have it...a month in review!  Can't wait for the next months and to see what changes they bring!  We love you little man!

4 weeks old

Today Ethan is 4 weeks old...in some ways it has been the longest 4 weeks of my life and in others it is the fastest 4 weeks ever.  We are getting settled into life with a baby and I have to say that Kevin and I make a pretty good team.  Kevin's a great dad and always willing to help out in any way he can.  The past two weeks haven't brought much change, but things are constantly getting easier.  Ethan still usually sleeps for one 3-5 hour stretch and then wakes up for a bit and goes back to bed for another 2-3 hours.  The most recent development is to wake up around 6 and then go back to bed at 9am for a couple hour nap.  As I sit here typing this he is on his second nap of the day and it's only 12:15!

The biggest change of the past two weeks is probably breast feeding.  I think we are both finally starting to figure things out.  Ethan is doing better latching on and staying awake to feed and I'm feeling more comfortable with it as well.  It's nice to feel like things are starting to go how I thought they would.  Don't get me wrong...it is still the most difficult and frustrating thing I've ever done!  I worry he's not getting enough food, that I'm not producing enough and worry about how I'm going to fit in breast feeding and pumping when I go back to work.  Kevin once again has been amazing.  He's constantly reminding me to take it day by day and when I'm totally frustrated and overwhelmed he's there to give me a hug, reassure me and give me a break from Ethan if I need it.  Overall though I'm still feeling pretty good about how things are going.  I just have to remind myself that I went into this without expectations and need to remember that.  It's hard when I start feeling guilty for not doing the right thing or worrying about not making enough, but I continue to try and take it day by day.  Being a mom is hard, but definitely the most rewarding job.

Kevin and I also got a date night this weekend.  We went to see a movie and then grab a drink and some appetizers.  It was nice to get some time alone, but definitely weird.  It's almost like we didn't know what to talk to each other about.  The movie was great and it was nice to get out sans baby for awhile.  Next time I have to remember to bring my ID so I can have a drink with my hubby while on date night.  I guess that's what happens when the diaper bag also doubles as my purse these days.  Ethan is starting to wake up so I guess it's my cue that I'm done posting.  I'll try to get pictures up soon and write more about the things little man has learned in his first month of life!