What to do next?

I've had so many blogs in the beginning of composition running through my mind, but I think the most necessary one to start with is the latest news I got yesterday.  Last week I scheduled a meeting with my bosses for this week to discuss maternity leave and the plan for afterwards.  It has been well known at work that I don't want to continue working full-time after baby swan makes his arrival.  I made sure everyone knew this plan way back in February when we finally started telling people we were expecting.  No one at work said that this would be a problem, in fact both of my bosses said they completely understood and were all for me doing what's best for our family.  So Kevin and I have been planning all along that I would return to work in January only 3 days a week.  We've started searching for daycares to cover 2 days a week and Bubba graciously offered to watch baby swan the third day.  We thought about days, our schedules, what would work best and thought everything was set.  That brings us to yesterday...I go into a meeting thinking that we are going to discuss how much time I'm taking off and what my schedule will be like when I return.  Then I get slammed with the news that my position is only full-time and that dropping hours isn't possible.  My bosses go on to tell me that my position wouldn't be as effective without a full-time person filling it, nor is there any other place for me to go with decreased hours.  Basically I was hit with the message that I could return full-time after my maternity leave, or not return at all.  They did say that things could change over the course of the next couple of months, but as of now there isn't any flexibility and no knowledge of anyone wanting to pick up hours or the ability to hire someone else on to cover my leftover hours.  Of course this "meeting" only lasted about 10 minutes max and I had nothing to say at the time.  I was speechless...I go from hearing no problem, do what's best for your family, we want you to stay on staff...to you can come back full-time or if you choose not to come back we understand.  What a slap in the face. 

I've worked hard, I've put up with a lot, I've done everything I could while I was at work.  My job is emotionally draining, and often hard to go to with a smile, but I've done it for 4 years.  I've gotten good at what I do.  I like knowing that I go to work and help people every day.  That was my goal when I left college, I wanted to try and make a difference in the lives of others.  My job has given me the ability to do that.  I've also met some of my closest friends in my co-workers.  We have so much fun together hanging out outside of work, and they've become some of my closest confidants.  I'm feeling so dejected right now.  It's hard to come back to a place that I feel like 4 years of work means nothing.  I've always joked about wanting to be a stay at home mom and I still think that would be the greatest job in the world.  However, over the last 4 years I've also learned a lot about myself.  I'm not sure that I could stay home every day, I like interacting with others, I LOVE my co-workers, and I like knowing that I'm contributing financially to our family, giving us some luxuries we'd otherwise have to go without.  I thought we had figured out the perfect plan, a way for us to still have the life we're accustomed to, but also let me stay at home with our son part of the time and also get the satisfaction of working and being with great friends a few days a week.  Now I'm left to figure out what to do next.  Do I come back to work full-time?  Do I try to find something different? Do I try to stay home full-time with our son?  There are so many questions without many answers right now, which of course is driving me crazy since I'm very type A and like to plan things out! 

I know that things happen for a reason, and Kevin's been encouraging me to find something different for awhile.  I've been searching.  Searching for something that can be fulfilling and yet at the same time lift me up emotionally.  Not be so draining.  The thing is I haven't found that thing.  Maybe this is the time to do it.  The thing is I know the economy is tough and finding a job is tougher.  I've been looking and applying for awhile and haven't even gotten a phone call back.  What if I don't find something different?  It's crazy how much this is defining me right now.  I feel like a failure.   I feel like I'm not good enough to keep the job I've had for 4 years, and not really good enough to get a new one.  I know this isn't the case, I know I'm totally capable of doing many different jobs, and I know that if we ultimately decide that I should stay at home, I will rock that as well.  It's just hard to feel like you've devoted a good portion of life for 4 years to a company and they can just say well take it or leave it, we don't care.  Maybe things will work out at work and I will be able to go part-time, maybe not.  In the end I know it'll all work out how it's supposed to, I'm just struggling with the chaos of it right now.  I do know though that it will get better and things with work themselves out. 

Sorry for the novel, just needed to get my thoughts out somewhere and I figured where else but this blog?  I'm sure someday I'll re-read this and laugh about where I was at.  Until then, I'll keep looking forward to meeting our baby swan and having enough support to get through anything.